I just had a great talk today with a friend whom recently lost her husband. I would like to share with everyone a little what we discussed. Our discussion not only helped her it also made me think more of my loss as well. I hope that it can help anyone else that reads this. Most Americans has experienced losing someone close to them or knows someone who has. This person may have been a Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, Spouse, etc. A loss hurts us and affects people in many ways. I hope that you enjoy this and please leave a comment or just like it.
Our Girls and their friend |
When we lose someone close to us we go through different stages. For example, we may become angry or hurt and often look for someone or something to blame to justify our emotions. Then others may experience moments of depression or guilt, which could lead to someone feeling trapped. An individual's life changes unexpectedly, simple activities become more cumbersome than we planned. We glue ourselves to the bed doing nothing. jWe ust continue to lay in bed, thinking or stressing, over matters that we have no control over. Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner is less important causing some to eat late or not at all. This is more so when it is someone that had a great impact in our life such as a parent, child, or a spouse. Daily routines change we may trap ourselves in the same home where we shared birthday parties, social gatherings, and family time together. Regardless if it was an immediate death or if it was a long and drawn out death it takes us by surprise. Death is difficult to deal with no matter how a person dies. My wife, (Jana) had diabetes, which eventually ended her life, and was insulin dependent. The morning was like any other morning. We made sure that our girls were up getting ready for school. Jana was not feeling well that day, she said her blood sugar was high., She tried eating a little breakfast. Then asked me if I would drive the girls to school that day. I decided to keep our middle child, (Kayla) home from school that day just in case Jana needed to go to the hospital. Like most people she did not like going to the ER. I asked her, "how she was feeling and do you need to go to the ER. Thirty minutes or so goes by when she said, "that she was feeling better and for me to take Kayla to school. Just to make sure I asked her twice if she was certain. Do you want to wait a little longer? Her response was, "no Kayla needs to go to school because she had a project or field trip that day."
The school was approximately a five minute drive from our house. Jana wanted to try eating some soup. I dropped off Kayla then I stopped by the nearest corner store to get Jana soup and diet 7-up. Jana's sister picked up Maleia dropped her off at school so that I could focus on taking care of Jana. The trip took twenty-two minutes round trip. When I return home I began warming up her soup. I called her name, which there was no response. She was tired from the night before; I figured she was taking a nap. It is still hard for me to reminiscent what occurred next. Soup and 7-Up in hand I tried waking my wife and received no response. Immediately I dialed 911 and the rest is history. That remains to be my only regret that I have trouble letting go. In my experience I went through the stage of being mad at myself, Jana, paramedic’s, and the world. I secluded myself from everyone including my daughter constantly thinking to myself. “Why did I not take her to the hospital? I should have made her go to the hospital? We should have waited a little longer?” There was no one that I felt I could to talk to. People always tell me I know what you are going through. That made me angry too and at times I yelled at the person, “How can you tell me that you know what I am going through when I don’t even know?” I felt bad about that later because they were just being sincere. However, nobody could truly understand what I was going through and I was going through it on my own. Sure, people did try to get me out the house, offered prayers, and support. However, it was not enough, it did not help me because nobody could change the events, and I was to blame. I did not want to talk to anyone. I stopped answering my phone and my door which felt great. I had my alcohol and that is all I needed at the time.
My World "Maleia" |
My Princess |
My daughter was that person for me. She snapped me out of the stage that I was going through. At the time she was five years old and I will never forget when she told me, “daddy as long as I am with you I know that I will be alright”. I did my best without crying and gave her the biggest squeeze that I could because she made perfect sense. That made me realize even if I do not want to continue with life I need to do it for her. That changed my perspective, made me start living a productive life again, and wanting to do right by her because she needed me like I needed her. Maleia did not understand what death was and stated, “Daddy I want to go to heaven so I can see mommy”. Then I realized that I was not suffering alone. Jana was a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and a friend. Anyone who knew her was suffering from her death and it was hard for all of us. It was not fair to compare the relationship that I had her because we all suffered. Nobody can truly understand what an individual meant to them. All we can do is just have an open mind and express our true feeling to anyone that will listen without judgments. Sharing our personal feelings about the person we lost will help us all heal.
I continue to have problems however I am grateful, I am happy again and most importantly I am healing. I am able to have a little understanding of what someone else may be going through by losing Jana. Talking about has done wonders. Letting go of the anger, the guilt, and all the unanswered questions lifted a tremendous amount of weight off my shoulders. There was no one to blame. We all know that dying is a part of life. Once we understand that and we let the anger go we will see the world in a whole new light. We understand that we were only trapping ourselves and hurting anyone that is depending on us. We all lost a loved. Please take my advice by letting these feeling go and let GOD. Take it one day at time and you will get there just as I will some day. If there is no one that you want to talk to try writing down your feeling on paper with a love letter from the heart and always keep in that you are not alone. There is some one else out there going thru or may experience what you are going thru now. God bless you all stop trapping yourself and moved forward. It is what our loved one would want us to do if they could tell us themselves.
You are absolutely right. We all grieved for Jana in our own ways but you have every right to grieve differently. You were her husband and you felt responsible for her death, even though there was nothing you could have possibly done. I know that I shouldn't feel like this but after seeing you go through that, it is my worst fear that I finally meet that man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and something happens to take him from me way too soon. It has held me back from taking that next step in relationships because of the fear of loosing them. That is no way to live your life. Is it true that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never of loved at all? I honestly don't know.
ReplyDeleteWow, Hello Ms. Sledge. First let me say thank you for reading and responding to what I wrote. In which I will respond by saying, I believe that everyone has some kind of fear, selfdoubt, or an uncertainty that we have little control over. You have been through a lot in your short life as well. So it is ok to feel how you do. You are a great mother first and will make a wonderful wife when the time is right. That fear is thinking about you, your children, and most important to finally find happiness in and with someone till death do you part. We both know that it is not easy to find. One day I hope to get where your at in life. Then you took your brother's daughter while raising three teenagers on you own in a three bedroom home. That alone says enough about you. You learned that it is never too late to make a change. As to your question, "Is it true that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never of loved at all?" Yea that is a true statement. During the short time that I did share with Jana, she was there for me whenever I needed her most. Although our days were rough in the beginning we held onto each most of the time. That is something nobody can take away from me ever and for that I am grateful to have loved and lost. Maybe I will find someone later in to share and have that feeling again someday. However, that is the least of my worries if happens great and if not it will still be alright. Plus I know that she is still by my side with all her love most of the time :).
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