Feeling Alone and Trapped

Gone but Not Forgotten

I just had a great talk today with a friend whom recently lost her husband. I would like to share with everyone a little what we discussed. Our discussion not only helped her it also made me think more of my loss as well. I hope that it can help anyone else that reads this. As most of us have lost someone close to or no someone who has. Whether this person by a Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, Spouse, etc. A loss hurts us and affects us all in many different ways. I hope that you enjoy this and please leave a comment or just like it.

Jana, Girls & a Friend Lego Land

When we lose someone close to us we go through many stages. We become angry, hurt and look for somebody to blame. Then we go through one of these stages of feeling trapped. Our daily life changes and simple daily activities become difficult. You do not want to get out of bed, go outside, and sometime we do not want to eat. This is more so when it is a parent, child, or a spouse that we lost. We can not compare our loss whether it was an immediate death or whether it was a long and drawn out death. We can not compare the two differences because they are both equally difficult to deal with. My wife suffered from diabetes and was insulin dependent. That morning was just like any other morning we woke up our girls started getting ready for school. My wife Jana was not feeling well that day.She said it could be her blood sugar, so she tried eating a little breakfast and ask me if I would drive the girls to school that day.

Trapped

I decided to keep our middle child home from school that day. In case Jana needed to go to the hospital and like most people she did not like going to the ER. I asked her how she was feeling and do you want to go to the ER. Thirty minutes or so goes by and she said that she was feeling better and to take Kayla to school. Just to make sure I asked her twice are you sure? Do you want to wait a little longer? Her response was no she needs to go to school because she had a project that day.

 

Our Family Alcatraz

The school was approximately a five minute drive from our house and she wanted some soup as well. I stopped by the nearest corner store to get her soup and 7-up. Her sister picked up Maleia and dropped her off at school so that I could take care of Jana. The trip was no longer than twenty-two minutes total. I return home and started warming up her soup I called her name with no response and figure she was taking a nap. It is still hard for me to think of the rest. I called 911 and the rest is history. That remains my biggest obstacle to this day. From my own experience I went through the stage of being mad at myself, Jana, paramedic’s, and the world. I secluded myself from everyone including my daughter constantly thinking to myself. “Why did I not take her to the hospital? I should have made her go to the hospital? We should have waited a little longer?” There was no one that I felt I could to talk to. People always tell me I know what you are going through. That made me angry too and at times I yelled at the person, “How can you tell me that you know what I am going through when I don’t even know?” I felt bad about that later because they were just being sincere. However, nobody could truly understand what I was going through and I was going through it on my own. Sure, people did try to get me out the house, offered prayers, and support. However, it was not enough and it did not help me because nobody could change the events and I was to blame. I did not want to talk to anyone. I stopped answering my phone and my door which felt great. I had my alcohol and that is all I needed at the time.

Our Baby

Slowly I started answering the door, going out, and answering the phone again because people began to worry about me and my daughter wanted her daddy. I hide my feelings, acted as if I was ok, and hide my emotions. When I was alone at the end of the day I would cry to myself, not answer telephone, and drank until I passed out. I was comfortable being alone with a bottle of alcohol. That is how I found my peace and forgot about reality. When I woke up in the morning I was still alone and angry at myself, the world, and God. I did not want to be mad at my wife. I apologized repeatedly because I was hurt and I blamed myself. Then I was angry at her because I wanted to take her to the hospital, it was not my fault, and maybe she did it to hurt me. Then it was easier to blame God. We were doing well for ourselves, we had jobs, our bills were paid, took vacations every year and life was good. In addition, he is the creator and is responsible for all living things so why me I asked myself, “What did I do to piss you off”? Of course God never answered me so I turned my back on him. I tried not thinking about it and it only made it worse. It hurt me more which made me angry, hurt, and depressed constantly. I worked the graveyard shift and Jana worked days. She would be getting ready for work when I came home. When I finally went back to work I did not want to go home after work. I knew the girls would not be up getting ready for school and that Jana would not be getting ready for work. I did not want to be a burden to anyone. I wanted everyone to believe that I was strong and rather than going home or asking for help I would by alcohol and drink it in a parking lot or at a park.

My friend is currently going through these stages, as I went through, and others individuals that ever lost a loved one. It hurts and is difficult to get through alone. I feel that most will never truly heal after losing a love one. We tend to have doubt, insecurities. and many unanswered questions. We say our vows when getting married and expecting to grow old with that person when we get married. The same is true during a child’s birth when they come into our world. We make vows to honor, protect, and love that person til death do us part. We do not make these vows with our children however those vows apply to them as well. I could not understand what losing a child feels like and prays that it never happens. Parents expect their children to bury them and children expect their parents to be there for them growing up. 

When we get married we expect to grow old with our spouse. There are many reasons why this may never happen for any of us so we all hope and pray that it never does. Whether losing somebody expectantly or with no warning it is difficult. We drown ourselves misery and guilt. We try to continue to being strong because there is someone else depending on us. However, it is hard because we have so much guilt, what if’s, and anger none of which is healthy for anyone. It takes awhile to realize these feeling are selfish. We are only thinking of ourselves. Overtime reality hits before we realize that we did not lose our loves ones. They are in a better place and they are not suffering anymore. There is someone counting on us to be there for them.

My #1 Fan

My daughter was that person for me. She snapped me out of the stage that I was going through. At the time she was five years old and I will never forget when she told me, “daddy as long as I am with you I know that I will be alright”. I did my best without crying and gave her the biggest squeeze that I could because she made perfect sense. That made me realize even if I do not want to continue with life I need to do it for her. That changed my perspective, made me start living a productive life again, and wanting to do right by her because she needed me like I needed her. Maleia did not understand what death was and stated, “Daddy I want to go to heaven so I can see mommy”. Then I realized that I was not suffering alone. Jana was a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and a friend. Anyone who knew her was suffering from her death and it was hard for all of us. It was not fair to compare the relationship that I had her because we all suffered. Nobody can truly understand what an individual meant to them. All we can do is just have an open mind and express our true feeling to anyone that will listen without judgments. Sharing our personal feelings about the person we lost will help us all heal.

Sky Walk Grand Cayon

I continue to have problems however I am grateful, I am happy again and most importantly I am healing. I am able to have a little understanding of what someone else maybe going through by losing Jana or someone they loved. Talking about has done wonders. Letting go of the anger, the guilt, and all the unanswered questions lifted a tremendous amount of weight off my shoulders. There was no one to blame. We all know that dying is a part of life. Once we understand that and we let the anger go we will see the world in a whole new light. We understand that we were only trapping ourselves and hurting anyone that is depending on us we all lost a loved. Please take my advice by letting these feeling go and let GOD. Take it one day at time and you will get there just as I will some day. If there is no one that you want to talk to try writing down your feeling on paper with a love letter from the heart and always keep in that you are not alone. There is some one else out there going thru or may experience what you are going thru now. God bless you all stop trapping yourself and moved forward. It is what our loved one would want us to do if they could tell us themselves. I love and miss my wife everyday. She is looking down on me and is expecting me to live like I did with her and to care for our princess. I love and miss you always Jana Lyn Sledge.

Eric and Jana Sledge