Dear Jana,

 Chance

I remember our first time that we met by chance 10 years ago. A month before your 28th B-Day. This was at a time when I was unsure of myself and many people were unsure of my motives. We heard negative opinions from both families. I remember joking around that I would go to your B-Day dinner with you  because you did not want to go without me. 

Regardless of what anyone said or did we continued on staying together through the good, bad, thick and thin, until death do us part. Slowly but surely you eased me into Sunday dinners, B-days for the girls, and weekend trips with your family. By then I believe everyone could see how happy we were with one another and that we were going to be a couple. We always tried our best to Choose The Right "Daija's CTR  ring" and somehow we hit a bump in the road.

By that time we were there for one another and we had much help along the way. There are too many people to name individually but we know and they know who I am talking about. As they are still helping me and our now 7-year Big Girl now. We both had the dreams to do for ourselves without any help. Even got to the point where we began helping others and taking are own family trips.

I am not sure what life would of brought us if you were still with me today "physically". However, I do know that I wold not be where I am today if we had never met by chance on that first day. You are my support someone that I could lean on. What circumstance that I put myself in you were there for me and still saw the good or potential that I had. There is still a long road to go before I get to where I want to in life. Most mornings when I wake up we continue to cover more ground moving forward on the right path for a change.

That is what keeps me going and what kept us going. Because when everything looked so bad somehow everything just fell into place. I may not ever understand why God took you so early, but I know that he has great plans for me and the girls. Although we split apart as family like we once had. We are all making progress towards better things and most importantly life. We all share your memories and the smartest seven year old that I know which keeps us together. 

The best part about it all is that I can be myself without telling lies or parts of the story. Through my writing and truthful personal experiences I hope to help others as you helped me. I am not asking for help as often as should sometimes because like we always said, "it just feels better to know that we did it." Besides hat everyone has their own personal problems and everyone has to grow up sometimes. 

Plus we have a little girl out that needs me as much as I need her. It reassuring knowing that she is in good hands while recovering from my bumps in the road and bad choices. This time it is a truly different experience. I am not pretending just to make myself look good in someone's eye. The only two people that i am concern about me and my life right is myself and Maleia. Everything else will fall into place as is has and continues to do so. Other people have notice the change in me when I was just being myself. So I can go to bed feeling good about self no matter what happened that day.

Now I am starting to ramble. So I will end this letter by saying thank you for everything that you have done and continue to do. But I am good now I just want you to start enjoying yourself put you first for a change. I promise that I will not forget about you and others will know what a great genuine person that you were. M next step is a great one and I have to do it on my own. I need to put the past behind me and start enjoying life again. Like I know we would if you were still with me on earth. I also promise when we do meet again I will have made a difference in someone's life like you have made in mine. Just think in two more years you would have been 40, so that makes me about 26 :). Happy Belated B-Day. I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits as I start my day trying to become the man, husband, and daddy that you saw in me when myself or others could not. I Love and Miss You Always and Forever.

P.S. I AM ON MY TO GRADUATING COLLEGE NEXT YEAR. THAT IS A BLESSING IN AND OF ITSELF   

What should we do?

Have you ever felt like you were doing all the right things or as best as you could under certain circumstances?  These last four to six months for me has been like that or so I believe.  Looking back on things I realize that maybe there was a better option and I made an incorrect decision. Then I thought that maybe I am being too hard on myself for not making the right decision. I have come to an understanding that this happens to everyone periodically and there will always be that moment of indecisiveness.  There is no one to blame other than me for certain decisions that I have made during this last year. It is like being on a roller-coaster where your in the dark and unable to see the tracks. One moment it is a thrilling and exciting ride. The next moment is scary and makes me doubt my decision to get on the roller-coaster in the first place.

When these moments of self-doubt arise it seems like walls are closing in all around me and makes me think that maybe this is exactly where I belong. Although, this is not where I want to be cause I want better and know that I can do better not only for myself but my daughter that depends on me. Nothing is going right, I tried my best, (or so I believe) and so why even try. For  those individuals that has GOD in their hearts, lives, or can go to whom ever their GOD is at that moment of indecisiveness and get the answer they were looking for I commend them. I am unable or choose not to look for answers from GOD or "higher being". If you read any of my other posts then you know that I am not 100% committed to that belief or going to whom ever my GOD maybe. I know enough about the bible, church, and beliefs that only one GOD can truly exits to have that faith so many individuals depend on, which I feel that I am trying.

It is faith in myself  to make correct decisions that keeps going and determined to keep trying. Then I look around and see that it is not only me that is trying their best only to feelings of doors closing all around on you; "bad luck" when things start to look up. We live in a material/opportunistic world; where you are "judged" before having a chance. When I look pass my feelings of doors closing and keep going it seems even worse. For example, homelessness, criminals, politics, and life in general. If you travel 15-20 miles in any direction more than likely you notice or hear about somebody's bad news or unfortunate circumstances. I hear most religious individuals thanking GOD that it is not them going through it and keep on going without a second thought for those individuals that are going through it.  Of course this is not always the case we look many factors and judge someone/situation before offering help. Such as the neighborhood, an individual's appearance, race, or behavior. 

This faith in GOD is supposed to make everything alright or tolerable to live through in any situation. When I can I try to help someone when I am able to and it makes me feel good when I can help. To see the gratitude on another person's face, which probably has that person thanking GOD. It confuses me because it was not GOD that helped. It was me that reached out to see what I could do to help not GOD. Or maybe they believe that GOD put us in that exact spot at that moment to help by chance or his plans. As I have stated I am still skeptical on GOD and his/her plans. You pray good things happen. Then you pray again and everything goes wrong, which is GOD again testing our faith. When this happens were supposed to read a book that will tell us what to do or what GOD has plan for us, but which book do I trust there are so many to choose from.

I personally am starting to believe "if" all these theories are true then GOD lives in all of us. As individuals we ultimately decides who receives a blessing and whose faith still needs testing. Then again I tell myself I am doing the best that I can under my circumstances and trying to do the right thing. What can I do? The world is too big for any one individual on earth to make everything all right. So we live life by helping those people whom we believe needs our help and maybe ignore those who really need our help. Now I am a little more content when things do not go as planned. When things are going good great and when things are going bad well that is life and the world that we live in.