My Mother

Barbara Ann Sledge,

  My mother was one unique individual.

There are times when I hear can still hear a story about my mother and still find it hard to be true.  She was one of those sweet, caring, fun, determine, focused, and maybe even a little unreasonable at times.  I am sure every person in this room remembers some event that took place where my mom was both heroine and villain at the same time. You know what I mean greeting you at 5:30p.m and kicking you out by 7:30p.m. Nor did she bite her tongue. She said whatever it was that was on her mind. One of her favorite saying, I pay to cost to be the boss. Then the one we all know all too well, "Do you have my Money; you better have it soon I ain't rich?" 

She always wanted to throw those big birthdays, barbeques, and holiday dinners that we just had to have. She just needed someone to go to the store buy a few things such as the food, drinks, and paper plates. Then invite everybody and, no they didn’t need to bring anything she always had it covered, and came up short. So she sent someone else to the store. In the end it always turned out to be too much food and her cooking for hours. I believe that was one of her greatest past-time. Nobody can forget her homemade Mac -n Cheese, Hot Water Cornbread, Lasagna, Greens, Cubed Steak or anything else that she wanted to cook.

My mother taught me a lot growing up. Some positive and other things not so positive. I know she taught me how to get the most out of a buffet dinner serving all you can eat and take home shrimp. She taught me how to stand up for myself and most important she taught me how to hold my head up high and how to be a strong-willed confidant man.  

I also believe that my mom was one of the strongest people that I’ve.  When she determine to do something watch-out whoever was in her way. The last time Teresa did her hair she told her that she was going to come home to cook for her baby-boy. That is the type of person my mother truly was. She would try to help someone although she was hurting herself. So it was hard watching her during her last months, but it will always be memorable. It was uplifting to see her relaxed and not in pain. I tried my best to graduate before she passed unfortunately that did not happen. However, I will graduate before the end of this year and I know that her and Jana will be there. As I hope some of you will be as well, which takes place around Oct. in Phoenix, Az. I missed this graduation in June out here.

Ok I’m rambling now just wanted to thank everyone for all their love today. Everyone that came on Friday & Saturday made it easier to say goodbye to my mom and taking some of the burden off my shoulders 

Dear Jana,

 Chance

I remember our first time that we met by chance 10 years ago. A month before your 28th B-Day. This was at a time when I was unsure of myself and many people were unsure of my motives. We heard negative opinions from both families. I remember joking around that I would go to your B-Day dinner with you  because you did not want to go without me. 

Regardless of what anyone said or did we continued on staying together through the good, bad, thick and thin, until death do us part. Slowly but surely you eased me into Sunday dinners, B-days for the girls, and weekend trips with your family. By then I believe everyone could see how happy we were with one another and that we were going to be a couple. We always tried our best to Choose The Right "Daija's CTR  ring" and somehow we hit a bump in the road.

By that time we were there for one another and we had much help along the way. There are too many people to name individually but we know and they know who I am talking about. As they are still helping me and our now 7-year Big Girl now. We both had the dreams to do for ourselves without any help. Even got to the point where we began helping others and taking are own family trips.

I am not sure what life would of brought us if you were still with me today "physically". However, I do know that I wold not be where I am today if we had never met by chance on that first day. You are my support someone that I could lean on. What circumstance that I put myself in you were there for me and still saw the good or potential that I had. There is still a long road to go before I get to where I want to in life. Most mornings when I wake up we continue to cover more ground moving forward on the right path for a change.

That is what keeps me going and what kept us going. Because when everything looked so bad somehow everything just fell into place. I may not ever understand why God took you so early, but I know that he has great plans for me and the girls. Although we split apart as family like we once had. We are all making progress towards better things and most importantly life. We all share your memories and the smartest seven year old that I know which keeps us together. 

The best part about it all is that I can be myself without telling lies or parts of the story. Through my writing and truthful personal experiences I hope to help others as you helped me. I am not asking for help as often as should sometimes because like we always said, "it just feels better to know that we did it." Besides hat everyone has their own personal problems and everyone has to grow up sometimes. 

Plus we have a little girl out that needs me as much as I need her. It reassuring knowing that she is in good hands while recovering from my bumps in the road and bad choices. This time it is a truly different experience. I am not pretending just to make myself look good in someone's eye. The only two people that i am concern about me and my life right is myself and Maleia. Everything else will fall into place as is has and continues to do so. Other people have notice the change in me when I was just being myself. So I can go to bed feeling good about self no matter what happened that day.

Now I am starting to ramble. So I will end this letter by saying thank you for everything that you have done and continue to do. But I am good now I just want you to start enjoying yourself put you first for a change. I promise that I will not forget about you and others will know what a great genuine person that you were. M next step is a great one and I have to do it on my own. I need to put the past behind me and start enjoying life again. Like I know we would if you were still with me on earth. I also promise when we do meet again I will have made a difference in someone's life like you have made in mine. Just think in two more years you would have been 40, so that makes me about 26 :). Happy Belated B-Day. I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits as I start my day trying to become the man, husband, and daddy that you saw in me when myself or others could not. I Love and Miss You Always and Forever.

P.S. I AM ON MY TO GRADUATING COLLEGE NEXT YEAR. THAT IS A BLESSING IN AND OF ITSELF   

What should we do?

Have you ever felt like you were doing all the right things or as best as you could under certain circumstances?  These last four to six months for me has been like that or so I believe.  Looking back on things I realize that maybe there was a better option and I made an incorrect decision. Then I thought that maybe I am being too hard on myself for not making the right decision. I have come to an understanding that this happens to everyone periodically and there will always be that moment of indecisiveness.  There is no one to blame other than me for certain decisions that I have made during this last year. It is like being on a roller-coaster where your in the dark and unable to see the tracks. One moment it is a thrilling and exciting ride. The next moment is scary and makes me doubt my decision to get on the roller-coaster in the first place.

When these moments of self-doubt arise it seems like walls are closing in all around me and makes me think that maybe this is exactly where I belong. Although, this is not where I want to be cause I want better and know that I can do better not only for myself but my daughter that depends on me. Nothing is going right, I tried my best, (or so I believe) and so why even try. For  those individuals that has GOD in their hearts, lives, or can go to whom ever their GOD is at that moment of indecisiveness and get the answer they were looking for I commend them. I am unable or choose not to look for answers from GOD or "higher being". If you read any of my other posts then you know that I am not 100% committed to that belief or going to whom ever my GOD maybe. I know enough about the bible, church, and beliefs that only one GOD can truly exits to have that faith so many individuals depend on, which I feel that I am trying.

It is faith in myself  to make correct decisions that keeps going and determined to keep trying. Then I look around and see that it is not only me that is trying their best only to feelings of doors closing all around on you; "bad luck" when things start to look up. We live in a material/opportunistic world; where you are "judged" before having a chance. When I look pass my feelings of doors closing and keep going it seems even worse. For example, homelessness, criminals, politics, and life in general. If you travel 15-20 miles in any direction more than likely you notice or hear about somebody's bad news or unfortunate circumstances. I hear most religious individuals thanking GOD that it is not them going through it and keep on going without a second thought for those individuals that are going through it.  Of course this is not always the case we look many factors and judge someone/situation before offering help. Such as the neighborhood, an individual's appearance, race, or behavior. 

This faith in GOD is supposed to make everything alright or tolerable to live through in any situation. When I can I try to help someone when I am able to and it makes me feel good when I can help. To see the gratitude on another person's face, which probably has that person thanking GOD. It confuses me because it was not GOD that helped. It was me that reached out to see what I could do to help not GOD. Or maybe they believe that GOD put us in that exact spot at that moment to help by chance or his plans. As I have stated I am still skeptical on GOD and his/her plans. You pray good things happen. Then you pray again and everything goes wrong, which is GOD again testing our faith. When this happens were supposed to read a book that will tell us what to do or what GOD has plan for us, but which book do I trust there are so many to choose from.

I personally am starting to believe "if" all these theories are true then GOD lives in all of us. As individuals we ultimately decides who receives a blessing and whose faith still needs testing. Then again I tell myself I am doing the best that I can under my circumstances and trying to do the right thing. What can I do? The world is too big for any one individual on earth to make everything all right. So we live life by helping those people whom we believe needs our help and maybe ignore those who really need our help. Now I am a little more content when things do not go as planned. When things are going good great and when things are going bad well that is life and the world that we live in.

Tomorrow is Not Promised

Our Family

It is always nice when we wake up and begin our day. We usually have a clear head and already know what our plans are (for the most part) for that day. Our daily activities become routine and we know what to expect. So we prepare ourselves to complete important tasks, whether we accomplish everything is a different story. For example work, children, school, doctor appointment and other daily activities for living a productive life. We tend to forget about the little things that we should do, such as saying I Love You, giving someone a hug and a kiss before leaving the house. Then we remember that we rushed out of the house without saying goodbye. We figure that it is no big deal because we can always say it next time. Then it slips our mind and we forget about it. We do not worry about it too much because there is always tomorrow. However, there is a saying, "tomorrow is not promised." I am confident that not many people consider those four words before leaving the house on a daily basis. I never did I always expected that I could tell them tomorrow.

Jana Lake Tahoe

The possibility of death is around us 24/7. We are not supposed to just think about death all the time it would just consume us with just too much worry and stress over something that is avoidable anyways. There were many times when my wife was going to work, or the kids leaving for school without saying goodbye. We missed the simple goodbye and I Love You. It is one of those small chances that we neglect because we can say it later. We assume that will person call when reaching their destination or we will call them. Think for a minute at how sudden that death can be. There are times when death is unexpected and cannot plan for it. It is definitely something that we cannot put off until tomorrow or any other day. Death is just not fair yet it is a part of our daily lives. None of us are perfect we have all committed some type of sin which is also a part of life.

Jana and Her Girls

I am a strong believer in my Savior and my Heavenly Father. Life is what we make it, our home is where the love is. We choose where to raise our children, and set values for them. We all learn differently whether they are positive or negative it guides our family’s path in life. Everyone wants what is best for their family or to give our children more than we had and take them through a different path of life. The values that we set for ourselves and our children affects whether they become homeless, constantly in and out jail, no education, or working an honest job doing what it takes to provide for their family so they do survive. Families are both great and our biggest down fall. However, when it comes to immediate family members and our spouse most of us will do everything in our power to become succeed in life. That responsibility takes many sacrifices and we try to be there for when we are most needed even if we are mad at them. Sometimes as adults we give them a meal, loan them money, or nurse them back to health, then you send them on their way with love and prayers that God will help watch over their lives.

Me and Jana "My Love"

I share my personal experiences so others may understand different views with life’s issues. They are never personal. They are my thoughts so anyone who reads this has a chance to understand what I am trying going through. However, it is personal this time and still affects me. I know that I am not the only that it is affecting. You probably figure that I am talking about my wife, (married 6 yrs.) spending 8 years together. I keep telling myself that everything will all work out as God has a plan for me and my 3 girls. Then I think about all those 8 years that I spent with Jana-Lyn and try to remember everything that we shared. This includes our first hello when we met, our first kiss, moving into are own place all the good and positive things about being together. Then I think about the negative things, our arguments, how she wanted me to change my ways, and what I could have done differently. What tears me up most are my own thoughts, questions, and regrets. We had so many things to do and see together. Some of which we should have done and wonder why we never did some of the things we planned. I am starting to ramble on now, crying, probably not making much sense anymore. So I will end with I am getting through losing her with your help, prayers, and support. Along with my girls or step children although I always thought of them as my 3 girls. I feel that I have earned that right as calling them my 3 girls. Jana Lyn Croft Sledge, you are truly missed by all those that ever met you and to anyone who has not met you we will tell them what a wonderful person you are. I Love You Forever and Always

Feeling Alone and Trapped

Gone but Not Forgotten

I just had a great talk today with a friend whom recently lost her husband. I would like to share with everyone a little what we discussed. Our discussion not only helped her it also made me think more of my loss as well. I hope that it can help anyone else that reads this. As most of us have lost someone close to or no someone who has. Whether this person by a Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, Spouse, etc. A loss hurts us and affects us all in many different ways. I hope that you enjoy this and please leave a comment or just like it.

Jana, Girls & a Friend Lego Land

When we lose someone close to us we go through many stages. We become angry, hurt and look for somebody to blame. Then we go through one of these stages of feeling trapped. Our daily life changes and simple daily activities become difficult. You do not want to get out of bed, go outside, and sometime we do not want to eat. This is more so when it is a parent, child, or a spouse that we lost. We can not compare our loss whether it was an immediate death or whether it was a long and drawn out death. We can not compare the two differences because they are both equally difficult to deal with. My wife suffered from diabetes and was insulin dependent. That morning was just like any other morning we woke up our girls started getting ready for school. My wife Jana was not feeling well that day.She said it could be her blood sugar, so she tried eating a little breakfast and ask me if I would drive the girls to school that day.

Trapped

I decided to keep our middle child home from school that day. In case Jana needed to go to the hospital and like most people she did not like going to the ER. I asked her how she was feeling and do you want to go to the ER. Thirty minutes or so goes by and she said that she was feeling better and to take Kayla to school. Just to make sure I asked her twice are you sure? Do you want to wait a little longer? Her response was no she needs to go to school because she had a project that day.

 

Our Family Alcatraz

The school was approximately a five minute drive from our house and she wanted some soup as well. I stopped by the nearest corner store to get her soup and 7-up. Her sister picked up Maleia and dropped her off at school so that I could take care of Jana. The trip was no longer than twenty-two minutes total. I return home and started warming up her soup I called her name with no response and figure she was taking a nap. It is still hard for me to think of the rest. I called 911 and the rest is history. That remains my biggest obstacle to this day. From my own experience I went through the stage of being mad at myself, Jana, paramedic’s, and the world. I secluded myself from everyone including my daughter constantly thinking to myself. “Why did I not take her to the hospital? I should have made her go to the hospital? We should have waited a little longer?” There was no one that I felt I could to talk to. People always tell me I know what you are going through. That made me angry too and at times I yelled at the person, “How can you tell me that you know what I am going through when I don’t even know?” I felt bad about that later because they were just being sincere. However, nobody could truly understand what I was going through and I was going through it on my own. Sure, people did try to get me out the house, offered prayers, and support. However, it was not enough and it did not help me because nobody could change the events and I was to blame. I did not want to talk to anyone. I stopped answering my phone and my door which felt great. I had my alcohol and that is all I needed at the time.

Trapped

I just had a great talk today with a friend whom recently lost her husband. I would like to share with everyone a little what we discussed. Our discussion not only helped her it also made me think more of my loss as well. I hope that it can help anyone else that reads this. Most Americans has experienced losing someone close to them or knows someone who has. This person may have been a Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, Spouse, etc. A loss hurts us and affects people in many ways. I hope that you enjoy this and please leave a comment or just like it.

Our Girls and their friend

When we lose someone close to us we go through different stages. For example, we may become angry or hurt and often look for someone or something to blame to justify our emotions. Then others may experience moments of depression or guilt, which could lead to someone feeling trapped. An individual's life changes unexpectedly, simple activities become more cumbersome than we planned. We glue ourselves to the bed doing nothing. jWe ust continue to lay in bed, thinking or stressing, over matters that we have no control over. Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner is less important causing some to eat late or not at all. This is more so when it is someone that had a great impact in our life such as a parent, child, or a spouse. Daily routines change we may trap ourselves in the same home where we shared birthday parties, social gatherings, and family time together. Regardless if it was an immediate death or if it was a long and drawn out death it takes us by surprise. Death is difficult to deal with no matter how a person dies. My wife, (Jana) had diabetes, which eventually ended her life, and was insulin dependent. The morning was like any other morning. We made sure that our girls were up getting ready for school. Jana was not feeling well that day, she said her blood sugar was high., She tried eating a little breakfast. Then asked me if I would drive the girls to school that day. I decided to keep our middle child, (Kayla)  home from school that day just in case Jana needed to go to the hospital. Like most people she did not like going to the ER. I asked her, "how she was feeling and do you need to go to the ER. Thirty minutes or so goes by when she said, "that she was feeling better and for me to take Kayla to school. Just to make sure I asked her twice if she was certain. Do you want to wait a little longer? Her response was, "no Kayla needs to go to school because she had a project or field trip that day."

Trapped

The school was approximately a five minute drive from our house. Jana wanted to try eating some soup. I dropped off Kayla then I stopped by the nearest corner store to get Jana soup and diet 7-up. Jana's sister picked up Maleia dropped her off at school so that I could focus on taking care of Jana. The trip took twenty-two minutes round trip. When I return home I began warming up her soup. I called her name, which there was no response. She was tired from the night before; I figured she was taking a nap. It is still hard for me to reminiscent what occurred next. Soup and 7-Up in hand I tried waking my wife and received no response. Immediately I dialed 911 and the rest is history. That remains to be my only regret that I have trouble letting go. In my experience I went through the stage of being mad at myself, Jana, paramedic’s, and the world. I secluded myself from everyone including my daughter constantly thinking to myself. “Why did I not take her to the hospital? I should have made her go to the hospital? We should have waited a little longer?” There was no one that I felt I could to talk to. People always tell me I know what you are going through. That made me angry too and at times I yelled at the person, “How can you tell me that you know what I am going through when I don’t even know?” I felt bad about that later because they were just being sincere. However, nobody could truly understand what I was going through and I was going through it on my own. Sure, people did try to get me out the house, offered prayers, and support. However, it was not enough, it did not help me because nobody could change the events, and I was to blame. I did not want to talk to anyone. I stopped answering my phone and my door which felt great. I had my alcohol and that is all I needed at the time.

My World "Maleia"

Slowly I started answering the door, going out, and answering the phone again because people began to worry about me, my daughter needed her daddy. I hide my feelings, my emotions, and acted as if everything was o.k. When I was alone at the end of the day I would cry to myself, not answer telephone, and drank until I passed out. I was comfortable being alone with a bottle of alcohol. That is how I found my peace and forgot about reality. When I woke up in the morning I was still alone and angry at myself, the world, and God. I did not want to be mad at my wife. I apologized repeatedly because I was hurt blaming myself. Then I was angry at her because I wanted to take her to the hospital, it was not my fault, and maybe she did it to hurt me. Then it was easier to blame God. We were doing well for ourselves, we had jobs, our bills were paid, took vacations every year and life was good. In addition, he is the creator and is responsible for all living things so why me I asked myself, “What did I do to piss you off”? Of course God never answered me so I turned my back on him. I tried not thinking about it and it only made it worse. It hurt me more which made me angrier, hurt, and depressed constantly. I worked the graveyard shift and Jana worked days. She would be getting ready for work when I came home. When I finally went back to work I did not want to go home after work. I knew the girls would not be up getting ready for school and that Jana would not be getting ready for work. I did not want to be a burden to anyone. I wanted everyone to believe that I was strong and rather than going home or asking for help I would by alcohol and drink it in a parking lot or at a park.

My Princess

My friend is currently going through these stages, as I went through, and other individuals that ever lost a loved one has. It hurts and is difficult to get through alone. I feel that most will never truly heal after losing a love one. We tend to have doubt, insecurities. and many unanswered questions. We say our vows when we marry and expect to grow old with that person after sharing that kiss. The same is true during a child’s birth when they come into our world. We make vows to honor, protect, and love that person till death do us part. We do not make these vows with our children however those vows apply to them as well. I could not understand what losing a child feels like and prays that it never happens. Parents expect their children to bury them and children expect their parents to be there for them growing up. When we get married we expect to grow old with our spouse. There are many reasons why this may never happen for any of us so we all hope and pray that it never does. Whether losing somebody expectantly or with no warning is difficult. We drown ourselves with misery and guilt. We try to continue being strong because there is someone else depending on us. However, it is hard because we have so much guilt, what if’s, and anger none of which is healthy for anyone. It takes awhile to realize these feeling are selfish. We are only thinking of ourselves. Overtime reality hits before we realize that we did not lose our loves ones. They are in a better place and they are not suffering anymore. There is someone counting on us to be there for them.
My daughter was that person for me. She snapped me out of the stage that I was going through. At the time she was five years old and I will never forget when she told me, “daddy as long as I am with you I know that I will be alright”. I did my best without crying and gave her the biggest squeeze that I could because she made perfect sense. That made me realize even if I do not want to continue with life I need to do it for her. That changed my perspective, made me start living a productive life again, and wanting to do right by her because she needed me like I needed her. Maleia did not understand what death was and stated, “Daddy I want to go to heaven so I can see mommy”. Then I realized that I was not suffering alone. Jana was a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and a friend. Anyone who knew her was suffering from her death and it was hard for all of us. It was not fair to compare the relationship that I had her because we all suffered. Nobody can truly understand what an individual meant to them. All we can do is just have an open mind and express our true feeling to anyone that will listen without judgments. Sharing our personal feelings about the person we lost will help us all heal.

I continue to have problems however I am grateful, I am happy again and most importantly I am healing. I am able to have a little understanding of what someone else may be going through by losing Jana. Talking about has done wonders. Letting go of the anger, the guilt, and all the unanswered questions lifted a tremendous amount of weight off my shoulders. There was no one to blame. We all know that dying is a part of life. Once we understand that and we let the anger go we will see the world in a whole new light. We understand that we were only trapping ourselves and hurting anyone that is depending on us. We all lost a loved. Please take my advice by letting these feeling go and let GOD. Take it one day at time and you will get there just as I will some day. If there is no one that you want to talk to try writing down your feeling on paper with a love letter from the heart and always keep in that you are not alone. There is some one else out there going thru or may experience what you are going thru now. God bless you all stop trapping yourself and moved forward. It is what our loved one would want us to do if they could tell us themselves.

A New Focus

Lake Tahoe

I feel that I am ready to start posting on my blog again.  I had difficulties when I tried adding new posts to my other blog, it felt as I was writing about someone else. That was no longer my life and I was unable to publish any of those post or the pictures. I tried to make Sledge News something positive and exciting to read. The last time I remember posting something about my family being excited was our last vacation. Then a few months later my wife, "Jana" passed away and it was impossible to be excited or positive. Then with my unwise decision to move to TN, was anything but positive or exciting. I try to remain positive and uplifting but after Jana passed I had doubts and negative thoughts. We all have difficulties and face obstacles throughout our lives. So I try not to post anything negative on Sledge News, Face Book, or any other web site.

Maleia and Daddy

After Jana passed everything changed. It seemed as my circle, "family and friends" disappeared or reduced in size very quickly. I felt that I really needed my circle then. It was still there, however it had change and was not the same. There was a lot of resentments, pain, and memories that continues to be on our minds today.  The last 20 months has been a difficult blur mixed between reality, dreams, and most of all disbelieving that these events occurred. During this time the only constants were Maleia's unconditional love for me and with my determination I continue to focus on completing my degree. These recent events that I have been through and continue going through has shown me those individuals that are really in my circle and that I can count on when I need them. These last 20 months continues to being a struggle that I continue learning from that is teaching me too become the strong independent person that I have inside of me. He wants to come out so that I can become the father that Maleia and I both need for our future together. I began a new chapter in life which is why I felt the need to create a new blog. I have a new outlook on life and new goals to work on. To accomplish my goals I need to change the person that I am and individuals that I surround myself or associate with. I want to build a reliable circle/network with people that has a drive and similar goals as myself. I have a new understanding on my potential in life and how I can become a success by just applying and believing in myself when others doubt me.

I hope that many people can relate to this and choose to follow me, offer their positive feedback, or constructive criticism. This will help others and teach them how to cope with their lose. I have a lot to information to share and much more to learn. I would like to get others involved to make positive changes and get others to share their own positive insight. If  I began to go off track I what to know who I am sharing my information with. I hope they can offer me support and listen to keep me focused and on my positive track. I just want to begin my new chapter in life on a positive note for me, my daughter, family, friends, and anyone else going through a difficult phase in their life. I feel that everyone is capable of having a successful life if he/she remains determined. We all need help and to share our problems even if we are not looking for help it is a relief to know that someone is always listening besides our higher power. Thank You for listening and God Bless you all.